there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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