I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
