What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
