He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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