I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
