i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Randomize
