Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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