I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
