You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
