my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
