I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Randomize
