call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize