The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I am one with the molecules
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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