we have pet lesbian snakes
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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