I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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