I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
