I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
