Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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