If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Sacagawea was the original milf.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
