Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
