My sheets look like a crime scene.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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