I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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