is your mom at the bar?
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
