Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
