I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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