You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
