Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
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