Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
