just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize