my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
