My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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