my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He felt like a one man threesome
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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