I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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