And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize