So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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