I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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