I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Operation Purity has been aborted
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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