My liver just broke up with me...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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