Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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