4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
