having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize
