My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
