Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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