Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Randomize
