we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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