nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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