I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize