Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
