I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
