i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
