you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
