i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
