so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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