fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
