I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
