in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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